The Homestuck Toolbox
by WillofThePsycho
Summary: What happens when one combines something not meant to be Homestuck with Homestuck? This. A bunch of oneshot, completely crack stories telling the insane and a tad idiotic tales of the Homestuck characters. Each stories varies in rating really, but it's all light-hearted fun. Please read, rate and comment! More chapters coming soon! (yeah this summary sucks, more info inside)


**_Hi guys! So this is basically a huge, oneshot, crack-y thing. Every chapter is different short story. Everything is based off _The Writer's Toolbox._ This is a writing exercise kit that has a bunch of little fun things to do to practice writing and such, and I just thought it'd be fun to change the prompts a little bit. This is why it is now the Homestuck Toolbox~_**

**_At the beginning of every chapter, I'll put the prompt and stuff that was used to make that story, so you know what's up. Anything just in italics, not bold, means I changed the original prompt to Homestuck related things. I also have to include a disclaimer. Who knows what would happen if I didn't. I'd probably die. Ok. So. Enough from me. Here we go~! (also, no I don't hate Aradia. I just had to make her seem stupid 'cause it was for the story and it's Eridan's POV. So yeah)_**

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_**Disclaimer: Homestuck is not mine. Not by a long shot. All stuff goes to the Huss of Lip. The Writer's Toolbox is also not mine. **_

_**~The Protagonist Game~**_

_**Protagonist: **Eridan Ampora _

**_Goal: to be the Master Seducer_**

**_Obstacle: the barista at _**_Grubbucks_

**_Action: learns to forsee the future_**

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Crack 1: Eridan, the Master Seducer

Your name is Eridan. Eridan Ampora. Yeah, that's your name, don't wear it out.

Today, you just happen to be at your local Grubbucks, guzzling a grubtte with a grub-pop on the side. God, you hate this place. It's so ridiculous. Does every item on the menu _have_ to start with the word "grub?" If you weren't a troll, you'd find it positively disgusting.

Actually, you are a troll and you still find it a bit gross.

Anyway, today the first time you've been to one of these stupid coffee shops, since you think coffee usually doesn't taste that good with salt water mixed into it, as most of the underwater Grubbucks feature. At least, you _would_ think this if you knew what coffee was. But you don't. So this paragraph is completely irrelevant.

But regardless of your lack of knowledge about human beverages, today is a special day. It is the day you will finally become... _the Master Seducer._

Yeah that's right. This thing is happening. Today. You are getting your seduce on and making all the people in here swoon. By the time you're done, everyone in this damn place will be yearning for a piece of your fine ass.

But it's not going to be that easy. As much as you wish (and have tried), simply going up to a girl (or guy) and saying something like, "hey babe you wwant a piece of this fine ass" does not work (although someday you're hoping it does).

And there's one more problem. The barista. That freaking barista. All she does is bat her long lashes at any dude who happens to waltz in and order any grub-related item. Which is every item. So she flirts a lot. You get the point.

That damn Aradia. You really detest her. You mean, how fair is it that she gets to have everybody? Why doesn't she leave any for the rest of you desperate trolls hunting for your matesprites and kismesises? Because you think she's a whore, that's why.

She's not really a whore, your voice over tells you. She just likes being noticed-

You quickly tell the voice over to shut up. She's a whore and that's that.

Anyway, you've been trying out simple seducing techniques on the various trolls seated at different tables around the shop. So far, no one has made eye contact with you, much less returned your totally-seductive-and-not-at-all-creepy winks. No one has responded well to your completely-awesome-and-not-one-hundred-percent-lame pick up lines. And not one person has gone for the extremely-classic-and-so-not-weird reach-for-the-same-thing-at-the-same-time-and-ohmygod-what-a-coincidence-our-hands-touched move. It's like they don't even care how much effort you're putting into this.

You're wondering if these people are even worthy of your time. You are, after all, a high blood. Someone of your stature shouldn't have to resort to such childish and trivial methods to get someone- oh hold the phone.

You just heard the little door bell chime, notifying everyone that a subject of prey has just entered. In the midst of your mental rant, you happen to look over to see who it is. You thought you wouldn't care, since it's mostly low bloods in here, with a few scattered green and blue bloods. But you couldn't have been more wrong.

The boy that has just walked in is definitely a low blood. Third to last class, if you're not mistaken. You can tell by the simple yellow color of the insignia on his shirt. As with all trolls, he has black hair and a moody expression. But what catches your eye is the two different color lenses in his glasses. One blue. One red.

You believe you know him. Yes you do know him. His name is Sollux Captor. You don't really talk to him much. You think he's a close friend of that ridiculous Karkat or something. You can't remember. In fact, you can't remember much of anything at the moment. Where are you currently? What are you doing? Who were you ranting about again? It all seems to have slipped your mind upon seeing this gorgeous... You mean, interesting male.

Suddenly everything comes rushing back to you. Your goal. The _Master Seducing_ you must do. Yes. And now you have the perfect plan.

You will seduce Sollux Captor.

What do you mean, "that's not a good idea?" Of course it's a good idea, you just thought it! Oh come on, you've completely blown it with everyone else in this joint. He's the only one left. Plus you think he's hot. Who cares if he's a low blood? Oh shut your fish face. Go. Seduce.

Fine, you tell the voice over. I'll do it. But this argument isn't over.

But just as your about to get up, you remember something else important, or rather, some_one_ else important.

Aradia the barista. Oh no. This does not bode well for your plan. If she catches wind of him, she'll be all over him in a second. He's too pretty for her to pass up. You can't let this happen.

But all of your haphazard mental plotting goes to shit in all of two seconds. Sollux walks to the counter and begins to order something, you can't really here what it is. All you catch out of what he's saying is the words "grub." Funny. You don't think it sounds as gross and stupid coming from him.

But then, your view of him is blocked. Another troll has stepped in the way of your view of this lovely-... you mean, pretty cool boy. You were so wrapped up in the events unfolding before you that you didn't even notice another one of your supposed "friends" walk in the door as well.

This friend's name is Terezi Pyrope. And upon seeing her spiky little horns, a brilliant plan emerges before your eyes. It's so incredibly brilliant, and so very original. No one, especially Sollux, will see it coming.

You know that Terezi has a really sweet power. She's a Seer. She can see the future. Or some shit like that. You never really paid much attention when learning about the different abilities of different classes. You're not sure if this is even a class ability. It's just some weird Terezi thing. But people who can see the future are cool. At least, they're cool if they have your stature and blood color. And people dig magic. Even if it isn't real. Whatever. You now know how to become the _Master Seducer_.

Sollux briefly comes back into view before taking his grub-whatever to a table tucked behind a rack of magazines. Perfect, you think. Everything will go perfectl- Oh what's that. Oh no. Aradia. She's looking in Sollux's direction. Oh god, what is she doing? It that... She... She _winked _at him. _She winked at him_.

You know that bitch has got to go.

Quick as a swordfish, you're up and tugging Terezi by the arm back to your table. She keeps asking what you're doing here and why you're grabbing her arm. You're not really sure how she knows it's you. Something about the smell of your blood.

You think that may be more gross than the grub thing.

You sit her down in a chair across from yours. She finally asks, "What do you want, Eridan?" in that annoying, loud way of hers.

You quickly shush her. Can't have the prey - you mean, Sollux - know you're here.

"Tell me how to see the future," you whisper.

"What?"

"Show me how to peer into the future with my mind eye, or whatever. I just need to know how to do that weird thing you do."

You can sense that Terezi would be rolling her eyes at you if she could. "That's not how it works, stupid. I can see other timelines. Possible outcomes of events. I can't just look into my crystal ball and tell you what you're going to have for lunch tomorrow."

"Whatever! Just teach me how to do whatever it is you do!" You hiss back.

"Why should I?" she asks snidely. "What's your purpose for needing to know this? Something totally self-centered and idiotic, I presume."

"Nuh-uh," you quickly shoot back. On second thought... "Maybe. Look. You see that barista over there?"

Terezi just sits there, unamused. You quickly realize the mistake you've made.

"Oh don't gimme that. Look, I just wanna show her who's boss. I want her to know who the real _Seducer_ is in this joint, and that she can't do whatever the hell she fuckin' wants 'cause there are others of us out there who still need a matesprite and she can't have all of 'em and-"

"Eridan! Shut up!" Terezi cuts you off. She's sick of your bullshit. "You wanna '_Seduce_' someone, fine. You wanna use a ridiculous scheme involving seeing the future or whatever? Fine. But I can't help you."

"Why not?" You whine.

"Because being a Seer isn't something you learn in two seconds flat, dumbass!" She fires at you. "It's a role you're given! Something you earn."

Well that deflates your hopes a little. You were hoping to learn to forsee the future, then go over to Sollux and tell him some sick story about how the cosmos are telling you you're meant to be together. It was going to be sick.

"Just fake it, genius."

You're snapped out of your ranting again. "What?"

"Just fake it. Act like you're seeing the future, getting a vision, reading a prophecy, or something. Who can prove you wrong?" Terezi has an excellent point. You should listen to her more often.

Seeing the dazed and awed look on your face, Terezi stands and moves as if to leave. She turns around at the last second and says, "Just don't say something stupid. Avoid the word 'cosmos.' That's the dumbest thing ever."

Dammit.

As Terezi goes back to the counter and the devil barista, you muster your courage. It's now or never. You have to use those legs and stand. Walk to where Sollux is sitting. Pull some totally stupid story out of your ass about the future. Then go on a date. And only once you've successfully seduced him can you be the _Master Seducer_ and revoke that title from the current owner: the barista.

You manage to make it to the table. You sit down, and you notice Sollux is reading a rather large book. It says something about computer programming on the front. Hell if you can understand it. You're not sure why you're going for such a nerd.

"So looking into my mind's eye-" you start to say, but you are swiftly cut off. Again.

"You see that we are destined to be together, blah blah blah. You forsee and amazing future of happiness and love and forever-ness. Yeah, like I didn't just get the same kind of act from Aradia over there." Sollux leans to the right, looking over your shoulder. The barista gives him a small wave and seductive wink.

No, not seductive. You are the _Master _here. Not her. At least, she won't be in a minute.

"Why not just cut to the chase and ask me out?" Sollux gives you a look of half amusement, half exasperation from behind his glasses.

"Uh..." you stammer. "Yeah. Um, that sounds great. Let's get outta this stupid place." You try to give Sollux a calm, cool-looking smile. But you're pretty sure you only manage something that resembles a drunk pedophile.

You're face actually makes him chuckle. "Yeah, this whole grub thing is just weird. I'd prefer not to feel like I'm drinking our race's young every time I take a sip." He eyes his grubacchino with a look of distaste. Now it's your turn to chuckle.

Well, hey, looks like you've got at least one thing in common.

It all went according to plan, you think, feeling almost shocked. I actually did it. I seduced him!

As you and Sollux are headed out the door, you quickly turn to face the barista. You're not surprised to see her watching you two exit. This is, after all, the moment of her downfall.

You glare and stick your tongue out at her. Very classy indeed.

You have done it. You have won the ultimate award. Don't let anyone tell you Terezi and Sollux did all the work while you acted like a stupid goof. It was all you, man.

You have now ascended to the tier of _MASTER SEDUCER._


End file.
